Pilot

Hilton feels cheated that his company laid him off without even a goodbye party, but Ruthie tells him he's being childish. Hilton lands a job interview on Long Island, but when he tries to pick up his car at the repair shop, he encounters severe language barriers and the news that the car is beyond help. He grudgingly takes a senior citizens shuttle van to the interview, but it breaks down and he's stranded for hours. Hilton, with Pauline as his assistant, works on a magic act for a children's charity event as he continues to obsess about the party he isn't going to get. Later, on his way to another rehearsal at the children's center, which Ruthie has urged him to attend, he begins imagining that a surprise party is about to happen, but it doesn't. And when his company sends him a tacky pocket calendar, that's the final blow, but Ruthie presents him with a watch inscribed to her husband, ""who worked like a dog for his family for thirty years"".

To wrest control of his block from lowlifes (like the burglars who targeted him), Hilton forms a neighborhood-watch program (of sorts). Now watch the watch commander lose control and cause crime instead of preventing it: he intimidates a man who has just been mugged, has an innocent woman's car towed away, and then must explain why a missing elderly woman is found unconscious in the Lucas dining room.

The airline company that dismissed Hilton is now rehiring, and he's fired up to go back to work. But his impatience and confrontational attitude simply won't cut it. When the airline for which Hilton worked announces that it is hiring back thousands of laid-off employees, Hilton eagerly prepares for an interview, hoping to get his old job back. Wearing his best suit and armed with an album full of career highlights, Hilton is overjoyed at the prospect of working again. He spends the hours before his interview doing what he thinks are ordinary errands. However, he manages to get into a fight over fruit at the grocery, turn an eye exam at the HMO into a four ring circus, and witness a hit-and-run car accident -- that comes back to haunt him.

Hilton is shocked to find out that an antique store where he has a new job is really a front for illegal activity: a brothel the police are planning to raid. When the cops want Hilton to help put the criminals out of business, he overeagerly accepts the challenge to do his duty as an American citizen and take part in their ""undercover sting operation."" Meanwhile, he is sworn to secrecy about his assignment and is therefore unable to stop Ruthie from spending the paycheck he knows he will never receive.

Deceit weaves a tangled web around Hilton, who tells ""one little lie"" and then, to keep up the ruse, finds that he must pretend he's someone else -- and not married to Ruth. In order to avoid attending a wedding, Hilton fibs about needing brain surgery -- and pays a high price. Hilton is always frustrated by everyday deceits, including truth in advertising. Nevertheless, he makes up the lie to avoid attending the Sunday wedding of the son of Ruth's friends, Elaine and Dave, which interferes with his watching sports on television. Pretty soon, he's ensnared in a tangled web of his own making..

Griffin is helping Hilton fix the bathroom door when Wendy arrives very upset and looking for Pauline, her godmother. Before she leaves Hilton has given her $45 to help pay her overdue phone bill. Later Pauline learns that Wendy is in debt for over $15,000, and she's determined to teach Wendy some fiscal responsibility, and she tells Hilton it will be a long time before he sees any of his money. Hilton goes to the bank and learns that not only has his bank has merged with another bank, but also that the computers are down and he can't withdraw any money. After a long, frustrating wait, Hilton uses the ATM machine outside the bank, and, instead of the $50 he requested, the machine gives him $11,000. Hilton is tempted to take the money and run. When Ruthie comes home, Hilton expects a compliment for fixing the door, but instead she discovers a huge scratch that Griffin has made in the wall. When Ruthie learns about Wendy and all her debts, she says she'll forgive the scratch in the wall

Hilton's cousin Earl has secretly checked himself into the hospital for a colonoscopy procedure, not telling his wife Lillian because he doesn't want her to worry. Hilton is going to visit Earl, and he warns Ruth and Pauline to keep Earl's secret from Lillian, who's coming over to visit. Erica is sorting through some of her childhood possessions and finds her jacks, which leads to an impromptu jacks tournament among the women. At the hospital, Hilton tells Earl not to worry, Hilton won't leave his side. When Hilton accidentally spills coffee on himself and puts on a hospital robe while his clothes dry, he gets taken into the operating theater by mistake. When Pauline slips and reveals where Earl is, both Lillian and Ruth head for the hospital.

Hilton has to keep a naked lady in his bathroom a secret. Hilton was too embarrassed even to look at Monica, the nude model in his art class. But when he tries to help her out by loaning her some of his clothes, he ends up hiding her rather than having to explain his good deed -- which just might be misinterpreted.

When Hilton and Griffin attend a Nets/Magic professional basketball game, Hilton has the lucky ticket and gets the chance to win a million dollars if he can make a free-throw from half-court. As Hilton prepares for ""the shot of a lifetime,"" word spreads that he may become a millionaire and everyone wants a piece of the action. First, Griffin insists on his share, then some crazy cousins from Baltimore show up and try to con the Lucases into investing in their wacky hair replacement systems, and finally, the endorsements start rolling in. When the time comes to make the shot, Hilton gets additional last-minute advice -- from Orlando Magic player Penny Hardaway.

Although Hilton thinks he's going to fight crime in his new job as a security guard, he ends up as a glorified doorman who gets more than he bargained for. After Hilton graduates at the top of his class in security guard training school, he is assigned to his post at a fancy apartment building and is ready to be a crime fighter. Although he quickly learns that the job requires many things not taught in class -- like dealing with precocious young children who won't leave the lobby and walking the tenants' dogs, his professional training comes in handy when a robber breaks into the building on the night of the World Champion New York Yankees celebration party, which is attended by manager Joe Torre and pitcher David Cone (guest starring as themselves) -- only after they prove their identity to the overzealous Hilton!

Due to a hospital mix-up, Hilton gets the colonoscopy that was meant for his cousin. When Hilton's cousin, Earl Lucas, goes to the hospital for a colonoscopy, Hilton decides to be at his side for support. But when the nurses confuse the two men, Hilton ends up in a most uncompromising position in full view of medical students and an internet audience. Meanwhile, back at the Lucas house, Erica finds her childhood set of jacks in an old box and she, Ruth and Pauline keep Earl's wife, Lillian, busy with some rather fierce competition.

After Hilton realizes that his life insurance was affected when his company was downsized, he applies for a different policy -- which requires an intense physical examination. The stakes are high for Hilton's physical -- if he fails, he will have no policy at all -- so it's time to really get in shape. He overdoes it at the local gym and then tries some of Pauline's personal remedies for good health -- like garlic cloves and relaxation tapes. Meanwhile, his new friend, Singh, the local taxi driver, appears much more interested in entertaining Pauline than in helping him.

In a White House public relations move, Hilton is chosen as the ideal ""common man"" to dine with the president. When Hilton calls in to a radio talk-show, the president's deputy communications director hears him and tracks him down to ask him if his family would like to have dinner with the president--on a date that conflicts with Ruth's plans for a relaxing weekend in the Poconos. As the Lucases get their home in tip-top shape for the visit, the media converges on them, and Pauline, Griffin, Singh and New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani try to convince Hilton that, as ""extended family,"" they really should be included in the evening's festivities.

When Hilton's friend Bradshaw, the down mattress and bedding ""king"", confides to Hilton that his business is in a bit of trouble, Hilton and Griffin brainstorm about ways to help him solve his problem. Singh is frustrated that even though he has deep feelings for Pauline, he is unable to tell her what's in his heart. Griffin continues his quest to get Erica to notice him. Pauline brings her friend Rupert, a buyer for a huge hotel chain, to dinner at Hilton and Ruth's, and Singh chooses that time to arrive and profess his love for Pauline. Ruth prods Hilton to get Bradshaw and Rupert together to give Bradshaw's business the boost it desperately needs.

After Griffin and Erica attend their high school reunion, Griffin realizes that their relationship is going nowhere and decides to make a clean break from her. When Griffin's old friends help him to see that his puppy-dogging after Erica has gotten him nowhere for almost 10 years, he decides that he's sick of being taken for granted and ready to move on with his life. But when he moves out of their apartment building, Erica has some realizations of her own. Meanwhile, ever-thrifty Hilton tries to install a personal satellite dish himself and encounters difficulties along the way

It's Valentine's Day, and when Hilton realizes that he has bought Ruth a scarf that she already has, it's back to the drawing board. When she mentions that she'd love to see singer Jeffrey Osborne, who's appearing at the Steinway Club that night, a desperate Hilton says that he has tickets and was going to surprise her. Since Valentine's Day is a very busy day at the flower shop, Hilton tries to help Ruth and Pauline, but he buys the wrong flowers at the flower mart and causes the delivery truck to be towed. Ruth refuses to get angry with him because she thinks he's taking her to see Jeffrey Osborne. Hilton is at a complete loss, when Griffin realizes that Charlie, a buddy of his, is a waiter at the club, and maybe he can get them in. Hilton and Griffin arrive at the club just as Charlie is being fired; Hilton pleads with Jack, the abrasive club owner, but Jack not only laughs in his face, he bans him from the club. At that point, Hilton's temper flares; he tells Jack off and storms ou

When Hilton and Ruth return to the blizzard-like conditions of New York City, after visiting friends in sunny Florida, they decide to put their house on the market and move south for good. After making the decision to buy a condo in the sunshine state, they both start feeling sentimental about leaving their home full of memories, but neither says anything for fear of disappointing the other. Meanwhile, the house next door goes up for sale and Griffin decides to buy it with the money he's saved over the years.

Thirty years after their plans for a formal wedding at an elegant hall had to be cancelled, Hilton and Ruth celebrate their wedding anniversary by renewing their vows at ""The Palace"" in an attempt to have the wedding they originally planned. Since Hilton's reserve unit was called up just two weeks before their planned formal wedding, he and Ruth had to cancel their plans and get married in traffic court. So, for their 30th anniversary, Hilton decides to give Ruth the wedding she always wanted -- complete with the minister who was supposed to marry them the first time.But things don't go exactly as planned -- Hilton ends up babysitting for Griffin's nephew Davy, he loses Ruth's wedding ring, and ""The Palace"" has turned into a Chinese restaurant with a busy take-out service.

When Ruth and Pauline ""just happen"" to spot a used pregnancy test in Erica's garbage and then ""just happen"" to see the positive results, they assume that Erica is expecting, but Hilton comes to another conclusion. It's bad enough that Erica has temporarily moved in with her folks while her new Manhattan apartment is being renovated, but Hilton is allergic to her cat. Then, when her married friend Stephanie comes to visit and leaves her positive pregnancy test in the garbage can -- everyone reacts in the wrong way. Ruthie and Pauline think that Erica's having the baby, Hilton is proud that he and Ruth are going to be parents again, and Ruth and Hilton end up thinking that Griffin is actually the father of Erica's nonexistent child.

Pressed by Ruth to address his ""unusual behavior,"" Hilton enters group therapy. Bad idea. Now he misbehaves by counseling an old crony, who promptly loses his job.

When Ruth's high school friend Charlene comes to town for a visit during her worldwide singing tour, she gives Ruth the chance to sing with ""The Charlites"" at a charity function and accomplish her unfulfilled dream of a glamorous night in showbiz. Years earlier, Ruth passed on a chance to join Charlene in trying to make it big as a singer. Charlene went on to become an international superstar -- and Ruth stayed at home with Hilton. But now that Ruth has a chance for a turn in the spotlight, she plans to seize the moment -- that is, if she can get out of bed after the painful dancing rehearsals. Meanwhile, Hilton has begun his latest business venture -- putting together craft kits to make the 'Bunny in the Hutch.'

A befuddled old gent from the neighborhood stops by Hilton's to borrow a video cassette and, as fate would have it, winds up on a blind date with Pauline.

Erica brings Julius, her boyfriend of three months who stars in a kids' TV show, home to meet Hilton and Ruth; Hilton is unimpressed and gives Julius a hard time. Hilton goes with Erica to watch Julius' program and inadvertently becomes part of the show. Erica desperately wants her parents to like Julius, but Ruth doesn't have much to say; Hilton announces that Julius wants him to be a regular on the show and introduces Happy Haliday, an actor he met there, who used to have his own kids' show. He tells Hilton that he's been cheated out of all his royalties and Julius is responsible. Hilton tells Erica who angrily confronts Julius and breaks up with him. Hilton, who's now playing Cowboy Bob on the show, assumes Julius will fire him, but Julius assures him that he and Erica have only had a little tiff, and he begins driving Erica crazy with his attempts to reconcile. Hilton decides to help Erica with her problem and confronts Julius during a show and locking him in a trunk. But Happy has

Hilton tries to convince the Social Security Administration that he is not dead.